Well I tried,i really tried to understand the world, really tried to make sense of my life; that overnight turned into a big mess and I’m tired of trying to understand everything and giving it meanings that don’t fit. I understand its normal to have one of this nights where I get to think of my life, drink wine and cry but I don’t get such nights. I can’t get myself to stop this pain I feel. It’s too heavy and I need it to go away. But that’s by the way.
Just watched this movie called Addicted, a movie about sex addiction which apparently is a sickness most of its victims do not know they are sick and could care less even if it was made crystal clear, its not leukemia or something deadly, it was an ailment that entitled you to get as many orgasms as they wanted.
Speaking on this topic, You know whats strange? I haven’t met any guy in my entire life that wants me for something else other than sex, maybe its just me or maybe something is wrong with me. I thought about so many things that could be wrong with me and here I am writing this cause it’s too complicated to figure out. I don’t know what is wrong with me or the world around me. Sex is taking over the world faster than I would have imagined, girls sleeping with more men than her lineage has ever been privileged enough to have, no reason needed, no questions required, it was a free giving commercial gift and to some a legal tender substitute. I cry out in pain, asking the rhetorical question repeatedly; When did it become so easy to just pull our pants?
Maybe that’s why there’s less respect for women. The other day a man was complaining bitter why he so afraid for the coming generation for the lack of good woman in it, he simply dwelled on the tastelessness and senselessness of young ladies who will date older men for reasons he found too complex to comprehend, I had no argument, I couldn’t defend my feminity, I sat and watched him bare the woman gender of everything sacred we once had.
I have come to learn the bitter truth the hard way, for me relationships were never about money, I seeked love, I wanted every bit of love I could get, the idea of love made me happy, I wanted to feel that feeling, I wanted it so bad, I knew money wasn’t important.
I remember my first ever boyfriend, I loved him, I could almost do anything for him, I think I was 17 and definitely wasn’t ready for sex, and one day I went to visit and he tried to rape me, I remember seeing the look on his way face like he wanted it so badly, I haven’t seen him want something like that and I just dint understand. Then, things dint just work out. I thought it was lack of love but nah I wasn’t pulling my pants.
I just didnt get it then and so many relationships didnt work after that until I met this guy, I was 20 in my final year in the university and a virgin and everything changed.
I asked him to just do it because I dint get what the fuzz was about, I remember telling him I wanted to do it after my final papers. I thought it would make sense, no it didn’t make absolute sense, don’t think the sex wasn’t good because it was and I don’t expect sex should get better than that but it wasn’t about the sex, its never about the sex.
You are sick if you think sex is everything, you’re sick and Maybe you don’t need to agree to it, it’s a symptom of the ailment. Maybe 20 something years later, you’ll wake up one morning and realize you don’t have that much strength or vibe to sex and the woman or man you decide to spend the rest of your life with wouldn’t either.
You should know you could have a wonderful life, great sex, someone you love and live happily ever after. You could wake up after that same 20 something years later and the first thing you see are those beautiful eyes of that person you love and believe me, nothing else would matter, the sound of your kids trying to wake you up to make breakfast, and no sound would have sounded better.
Is it just me? Or isn’t that just what we living for?
You could totally ignore me cause I’m this little girl trying to make sense of my life. But you shouldn’t. you are going to want more someday, I’m sure of this. Do take care.
----LOLA
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