1) You don’t want the people who want you.
2) The people you want don’t want you in return.
Now, take a look at those two problems; which one do you think you can change?Most of us take the futile route of trying to change the second one – “How do I MAKE him like me?” “I’m exactly what he’s looking for!” “He doesn’t know what’s good for him.”
You can’t change anyone else’s thinking.
What you can change is YOU. To be fair, it’s possible to “make” someone like you by becoming a more desirable catch – there’s no doubt that a man who earns more money, gains more confidence, and gets more experience will have a more positive dating life. But he’s not actually CHANGING women. He’s only changing himself. But increasing your dating options can be a risky proposition, at best. Men can’t always make more money. Women can’t always lose weight. And as easy as it is to talk about gaining confidence and experience, most folks would rather sit on the sidelines and complain that the people you want don’t want you in return.This is a waste of time.
In fact, the easiest remedy for an ailing love life is to want the people who want you. It is anathema to suggest this, of course. Any conversation about opening up to more potential prospects leads us down the slippery slope to settling. And nothing pisses women off more than the suggestion that they may be somewhat responsible for being single.
But, to be crystal clear, it’s not just women.
There are tons of 38-year-old male Ivy-League educated lawyers who just can’t find a single woman good enough for him. These guys, who are, like probably 7’s in looks and 9’s in intelligence, just can’t help but to go for women who are 9’s in looks, but 5’s in emotional intelligence/compatibility.
Because if you’ve been dating this way for 5, 10 or 20 years, there’s something that you’re not seeing.And that something is this:If a 42-year-old man says that he’s ONLY attracted to 9’s and 10’s who are in their late 20’s, that’s fabulous. But if NONE of the 9’s and 10’s he covets are interested in him in return, it only makes sense that this man needs to recalibrate his dating options. 6’s and 7’s are readily interested in him, but he doesn’t find them attractive enough. Without knowing this man, I think it would be clear that he’s overestimating himself.
If he can get only 6s and 7’s in looks, he’s probably a 6 or a 7 in looks himself. Therefore, if he ever wants to get married, it would probably make sense to start appreciating the 6s and 7’s and choose the one that he’s most attracted to, who shares the same values and can be his best friend for life.
I’d think it would be hard to argue with that logic.So should it be any more controversial if we flip the genders around?
If you think you “deserve” a certain kind of partner … and yet you’ve NEVER gotten him, you need to start considering another kind of partner.
If the 38-year-old woman MBA who owns her own in banana island, drives the latest range rover sport and can complete a crossword puzzle in 10minutes only likes 9’s and 10’s… but those same men always;
a) prefer younger women or
b) ultimately break her heart because they’re egotistical, selfish narcissists who only want younger women and aren’t ready to settle down… should she keep holding out for them? Wouldn’t it make much more sense to marry one of the devoted 7’s who think she’s the bee’s knees?
Apparently not.
Because that would be settling.And settling is bad.
Therefore, all of these amazing men and women remain single indefinitely.
Because They. Will. Not. Settle.
They would rather tilt at windmills, trying to acquire a partner who DOESN’T want them, instead of realizing that the BEST partner for them is the one who WANTS them and VALUES them and thinks THEY are a catch.
And the culprit in all this? Our unrealistic expectations – of how we see ourselves – and of what we expect of our partners.
If you price a candy bar at #100 (naira) and there are no buyers, you need to lower the price of the candy bar. If you think you “deserve” a certain kind of partner – not just someone who is rich, hot, and brilliant, but a rich, hot, brilliant partner who STICKS AROUND – and yet you’ve NEVER gotten him, you need to start considering another kind of partner.
The key is in letting go of the image you’ve been holding onto. Because real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection.
And I truly believe there are thousands of people you can potentially be happy with… if only you didn’t have such a rigid idea of what it looked like.
RELECT ON THIS:
Joseph is 39 and never married. Of course. He never wanted to settle.After rebranding his relationship goals he’s getting a ton of attention and is being kept busy by two women simultaneously. Vivian is the brainy, charismatic one who talks about himself incessantly, sends template emails, and hasn checked up on him in a week. Samantha is a fun girl who makes him laugh, is a great kisser, caring and has checked up consistently for two weeks. Joseph wanted to know how to make vivian like her and how to get rid of Samantha When we dug deeper, we learned that he was embarrassed at the thought of introducing his friends to samantha because she wasn’t as “sophisticated” as his other friends.
“Yes”Real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection.
Does he have fun around samantha? Oh, yes!
Is she consistently good to him? Absolutely. He’s crazy about him.
So why is he trying so hard to run away?
Because of what his friends think? Because samantha’s not what he has pictured in his big sophisticated head for 39YEARS?
Yeah, kind of.
By thinking you’re “better” than everyone who wants you, you’re eliminating the greatest source of love around – the person who wants you! And you may be surprised to find that you can be EXTREMELY happy with someone who doesn’t meet your preconceived image of your ideal mate.
Feel free to drop your comments and contributions, be as nice and polite as possible.
Thank you.
Source: -why he disappeared.
Edited by: Amanosi kadiri
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